Current mood:
numb
Mother
I am drunk
not in a teenage “let’s party because my parents look down on it” kind of way
not in an attempt to numb myself from reality
but in a tsunami of loss, I am drowning, can’t wake up kind of way
I want to hold her
tell her how much i love her, how much i’ve missed her
how I am sorry for harsh words harbored or spoken
yet she will not allow it
i cannot touch her scaly, cold flesh
her burning eyes of resentment and fear
I want to peek into the eyes of a mother i once knew
long ago
when i was just a child
before she numbed herself
and denied our love
and why
should i expect anything else but what has been
potential is only that
and not commonly realized
like this pain
of losing again
i hold my daughter close
and pray to “the universe” -- in my way
that she may never be disappointed
hurt or dismayed by my love
that I may be a beacon of light
even in these dark moments
of loss and desire
that I may be her loving mother
in every way possible
awake
bouncy
electric